i think i must be a very nostalgic person. when certain triggers (song, smell, anecdote, etc.) send me back to a point in time, i’m powerless to not indulge the urge to poke that memory until it releases feelings that i’d forgotten completely.
it’s difficult to say if this nostalgic tendency is abnormal, or if it has something to do with my gender, personality, heritage. i’ve never really examined it before, or explored my reasons for being this way. it is not overstating the fact to say that sometimes the memories of these emotions are enough to bring me to my knees, figuratively speaking. i feel myself crumple and collapse inside, not necessarily because it’s painful, but because i can’t believe there’s an entire range of emotions i’ve had, things i’ve experienced, and i don’t readily remember these things on a daily basis. how can it be? an entire life, and for the most part i don’t retain much of it.
all of this reflection was prompted by the realization that i’ve been in kansas city long enough to be nostalgic for things that happened to me in my first years here. the ak and i realized we’re in the “senior year” of our relationship, together four years in August, and similarly, i’m coming up on four years of living in Kansas City and working at my job. most of my life i’ve experienced four-year cycles followed by a formal completion ceremony—high school and college graduations—and then major life decision following that. here i am at the end of the first set of four years (since i was 14 years old) that doesn’t end. i’m sure life still holds seasons, boom and bust, but for the most part, it doesn’t present an official time and encouraging sentiment of, “the time is now. develop. change. become something new. move on.”
for any change or development, the catalyst has to now come from within. that’s what it means to be an adult. no longer swept along by the expectations of society—graduate high school at 18, obtain college degree by 22—but fully responsible for the sum total of my life.
